Broken Promises
Copyright Heather Lowe, 2002
It happens every day.
On the e-mail support groups where birthmothers go to seek a soft shoulder, ask for advice and trade photos of their children, the messages come in like clockwork.
“Ladies, help. I don’t understand what’s going on. My daughter’s parents are cutting me out of their lives. While I was pregnant they told me again and again how I would always be a part of her life. They promised lots of pictures and twice-yearly visits. Well, the visits haven’t materialized and I haven’t had pictures in ten months. What is going on? Why did they lie to me? I would never have entrusted my daughter to them if I had known this was how it was going to be. I need help writing a letter to them, something non-threatening—God knows I don’t want to make the situation any worse or jeopardize my chances of future contact. I just wish they could understand what it’s like to wait by the mailbox every day and find nothing. It’s as if now I’ve provided them with a baby, they don’t want to know me any more. Am I really so disposable? I don’t want to interfere with their family. All I want is to hear some news and get a photo of my daughter. Is that so hard?”
Then comes a flood of replies from birthmothers who are living with the very same situation. In all of these discussions, the word that pops up over and over again is “betrayal.” It isn’t too strong a word, for a woman who makes the most difficult decision of her life—to entrust her precious child to others to raise—does so based on a set of assumptions, promises made by the prospective parents. When she goes through with this most agonizing of choices only to find that the conditions under which she made her decision are no longer true, it truly is a betrayal of the worst sort. Many women liken the pain as second only to the initial loss of their child. Some have even committed suicide from the grief.
Not every adoptive relationship breaks down so badly. A significant number of adoptive parents keep their word and maintain contact even when the relationships get difficult. And there are also many adoptive parents who made no promises before the birth but who belatedly come to realize the value of birthfamily involvement in their child’s life. They then proceed to welcome birthparents in. But unfortunately, these types of healthy relationships are still the minority.
Part of the reason is that the balance of power shifts after the adoption. Crass as it may seem to talk about babies in economic terms, adoption today is governed by supply and demand. There are more homes needing babies than babies needing homes. Hundreds of thousands of hopeful adoptive parents are vying for a healthy baby, while a miniscule portion of women in crisis pregnancies opt for adoption. As a result, prospective parents must actively market themselves in hopes of finding a match. Some take the marketing concept too far, saying and doing things they aren’t really comfortable with just to attract a pregnant woman. The intent was never to follow through.
So while the expectant mother was once in full control, after the birth, roles reverse. The adoptive parents who so heavily courted the expectant mother are now under no obligation to honor anything they said, since open adoption agreements are by and large not legally enforceable. Fewer than ten states have provisions for enforcing adoption agreements, and their provisions vary widely. All other states have no statutes of any kind.
How can the tragedy of broken promises be averted? Ideally this work should be done by the “professionals” arranging an adoption, since most women in crisis pregnancies and most pre-adoptive parents don’t know the difference between a truly open adoption and a semi-open one. Unfortunately, in today’s adoption climate, this vital work is not being done. Agencies and attorneys alike continue to spread the lie that “open adoption” means pictures and letters once a year. Pregnant women are never told that open adoption is about relationships, and ongoing, reciprocal contact between birth and adoptive families. Pre-adoptive parents aren’t provided with information that shows the benefits to the child of having a lasting relationship with his or her birthfamily.
Until the day when agencies are practicing truly open adoptions, the burden will remain exactly where it shouldn’t be: with the expectant mother. A woman considering adoption must interview prospective parents long and hard about their commitment to openness. She has to make sure the couples she’s considering “get it” by assessing whether they truly desire an open adoption relationship or are merely willing to participate. {In her research on open adoption, Harriet Gross classifies adoptive parents into three categories: Rejectors (those who deny birthfamily and reject any contact), Acceptors (those who will put up with birthfamily contact in order to obtain a child), and Embracers (those who understand the value of their child having access to his or her roots, and who actively welcome a two-way relationship with the birthfamily). There is a world of difference between Rejectors, Acceptors and Embracers. While being "accepted" might sound good, but it’s actually the most dangerous situation, since those are the very people who will turn the minute they feel “safe” to do so}.
To some, the idea of such an about-face is not that big a deal. “Things change,” this line of reasoning goes. “Maybe they decided it wasn’t good for the child to have contact. Maybe they wanted to move on with their lives.” While it’s true that flexibility and room for change has to be built into adoptive relationships, the basic premise or foundation of that relationship is what holds everything together, and should not be open for revision. A birthmother chooses parents for her child based in large part on level of contact promised. Reneging on that agreement isn’t a mere parenting decision. It has consequences for many others as well, including a birthmother’s subsequent children. Writes one woman, “When my birthdaughter was eight, her parents terminated all contact and would not tell me why. (This birthmother later learned that the problem was an abusive adoptive father who eventually abandoned the family.) By this time I had been married for some time and had another child who had been encouraged by the adoptive family to know her sister. I contacted the agency that had promised me lifetime counseling, but they washed their hands of the situation, saying there was nothing they could do. The grief was like a death for me and left my raised daughter utterly confused.”
This issue of subsequent children is one reason it’s very common for more contact after the placement than either party thought they’d want beforehand. Siblings want and need to know each other, and the adopted child as well as the raised child may wish to see each other regardless of whether or not contact was initially discussed. Ethical adoptive parents will be prepared to foster the relationship, while Acceptors or Rejectors will probably hold to a rigid definition of what was agreed to beforehand.
When birthmothers gather to support each other through instances of dashed hopes and broken trust, their first instinct is to make excuses for the adoptive parents. “Maybe they’re too busy to send pictures. Maybe I’ve said or done something wrong. Maybe they are afraid of me.” However, excuses are just that—excuses. No adoptive parent should ever be “too busy” to uphold the promises made to their child’s birthparent. Nor do they have any reason to fear losing their parenthood, which is unassailable by law. Most birthparents trip over themselves trying to show that they are not a threat, that they do not want to infringe on the adoptive parents’ authority, and that they only want to remain a presence for the peace of mind of their child. In the end, there is no good reason for an adoptive parent not to honor their commitments.
Another post to a birthmother support group:
“I feel so exploited, used, and naive. I honestly believed them. Why shouldn't I have? I just want to tell them that the reason they have a beautiful child right now is because they promised me phone calls, pictures, and letters. They have a child through deception. How can they live with themselves?”
In a situation like this a birthmother feels pain for herself, but she also hurts for her child. She worries how the adoptive parents’ actions will affect her child. “What kind of lessons is this teaching my child, that it’s not necessary to keep your word? What will he think of his adoptive parents when he finds out the truth? And what will he think of me for choosing such people as parents?”
Birthmother Alicia H. entrusted her son to adoptive parents based on a close relationship developed during the course of her pregnancy. Less than two months after his placement, the agreement had already been violated. “The second they got home they cut off the 1-800 number they had established for us during my pregnancy. They have refused to acknowledge letters and packages we have sent. The only way we can contact them is through the attorney that handled our adoption. Needless to say, this is not what they promised, and definitely not what we expected. It is the deepest hurt I think could ever be done to me. I decided to go through with this because I cared about them, loved them, and trusted them. It kills me to know that if I had gone through a decent agency, I could see my son. Now, I can't even talk to his parents. I want to tell them exactly what I think of them. But I know that I can't. Assuming I ever hear from them again I’ll have to suck up for the next 18 years, possibly longer, just to have access to information about my son.”
While betrayal by adoptive parents happens all too frequently, it’s important to note that the shoe can go on the other foot. Though not too common, birthparents sometimes break adoptive parents’ trust by promising to stay in contact and then dropping out of sight. This usually happens when the birthparents have a poor sense of self-esteem or do not understand their own importance to their child. All parties need to understand that open adoption is a responsibility, not a privilege. Genuine open adoption is done for the sake of the child. It is not a favor to birthparents. Adoptive parents who need the birthparents to be there for the child and cannot get their participation can be just as grief-stricken as a cut-off birthparent. For any type of parent, it is heartbreaking to see a child in need and not be able to help.
The betrayal of a birthparent is a terrible thing in itself, but it is not the worst part of the damage. The worst part is the adoptive parents taking away something that belongs to the children…their heritage and the opportunity to know who and where they came from. It is the child who should own all relationships to both kinds of families, not the adoptive parents. Social worker and adoption expert Jim Gritter has written an excellent covenant addressing this truth, one which is perfect for use at entrustment ceremonies. Entitled “Our Understanding of Open Adoption,” the pact talks about the need for birth and adoptive parents to work together for the good of the child. It states the belief that relationships thrive in an atmosphere of honesty and mutual respect, and ends with a pledge to, among other things,
· Center on the child and elevate his or her interest above our own.
· Be honest in all our interactions.
· Take the time to consider situations from the perspective of others.
· Protect the honor and reputation of the others in this relationship.
· Stay flexible and open to new possibilities.
· Be direct in the expression of feelings.
· Consider mediation in the event of major misunderstanding or disagreement.
What is the benefit of making such a commitment? To begin with, it’s a basis for doing the right thing. Adoptive parents who live by this agreement could not be accused of breaking anyone’s trust. Their children’s birthparents would not have to “beg for crumbs,” belittling themselves by continually having to ask for what was promised. Most importantly, the mutual child of parents who honor this agreement would be raised in an atmosphere of love, security and trust. Isn’t that what adoption is supposed to be about?
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